Love and the Boiled Peanut

As a Yankee Pearl Twirler…. I had a lot to learn about the South. This is a whole different world down here. They talk different, think different and eat different…. and everything is slower too. Don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying these are bad things… just different…. well… not everything is bad… but there are some things that just defy logic.

They should have a Southern to English dictionary for us Yankees… I have actually had entire conversations with people and had absolutely no idea what we were talking about. When we were first dating I bought Warren a dictionary of New York City expressions. It was called “New Yawk Tawk” by Robert Hendrickson….great book, by the way…. He at least got a heads up on things when coming up north… my Georgia Good Ole Boy with his sexy southern drawl ordered a bagel with a schmear like he had lived in New Yawk all his life… (wink). I, on the other hand, have been defenseless and clueless…

It never ceases to amaze me how many things can be rolled in batter and deep fried. There are no bounds to what can be fried…. deep fried pickles… yes, you read that right… they actually deep fry pickles… I haven’t brought myself to try one yet… just the thought of it makes me think of my arteries seizing up and clogging …. apparently the word cholesterol is not in Southern dictionaries.

Now you take the peanut, for example… you expect to see them salted or honey roasted (in a can) … (Thank you Planters)… sometimes they’re still in their shells (in bags)…. crunchy shells you crack open and eat the peanut inside…. never, ever had I ever seen a squishy shell before…. sold in styrofoam coffee cups….but I suppose there is a first time for everything.

On my first trip down here… Warren carefully planned outings to show me around and get me to sample some of the local (shall we say) cuisine. One of our little day trips was to visit the Okeefenokee Swamp… don’t laugh …it’s a nature preserve… filled with alligators… I’m not crazy about alligators and swamps with bugs the size of pterodactyls eating us alive…but it was interesting and fun…. I was in love…

Anyway… and the end of our little tour we were directed through a gift shop (what else?)… and on the counter stood a crock pot with peanuts in their shells…. Warren said “Yum”…. I thought they looked odd and smelled funny… but I’m usually willing to try just about anything (stupid, stupid woman) … so he bought a cups worth and we went outside to the picnic benches to enjoy our snack…

He opened a peanut and gave me one to try… I must say it was one of the most, if not the most vile thing I had ever tasted…. I wanted to just spit the damn thing out … but this Pearl Twirler was raised by her mother to be a lady… (Thank you Mom)….so swallow it I did….

About three hours later I was sure I was dying…. Trying hard not to throw up… he has a tile bathroom… and I am a loud puker… (trust me… I had my whole family gagging when I had morning sickness with my son… I am legendary…) So there I was sitting on his throne clutching onto a garbage can for dear life…. all night long…. With a stupid camp song running through my brain… funny how the brain works… I hadn’t thought of that song in years….

The song went…. “I found a peanut last night… cracked it open… it was rotten … ate it anyway… got sick… called the doctor… died anyway… went to heaven…saw St Peter”…etc…. ( you get the picture) …

I was convinced he would dump me if he heard me … it would not be pretty. I know just how ugly it would be. I was just happy I lived through it and didn’t throw up my toes. I know many, many people love boiled peanuts… good for them… this chick is done with them…

Well you do things when you’re in love… and I do love Warren… and I have learned to embrace some of the things in the south… I love the hot weather… I do not miss the cold winters and snow up north….I do like things slower… I love grits and eggs and I do love some of that southern drawl…. I find myself saying “Ya’ll”.... I may try a deep fried pickle…(I never learn)…but I will never, ever eat boiled peanuts again…